“Ooh I’ll start a blog” I thought.
Filled with momentary self confidence fuelled by my C25K completion I typed away and posted it… then the panic set in. Proper pure terror, vomity feeling anxiety. What on earth am I doing? I suddenly felt really exposed and came incredibly close to deleting it all. The only reason it’s all stayed is because I genuinely wanted to thank everyone for their support.
But now I’m back here writing again and I’m pretty sure as soon as I hit ‘post’ I’ll feel the same! So here it is, still here, but now what do I do with it? If I think about it too much it all feels a bit self-indulgent. A bit “look at me and how amazing I am” and that doesn’t really sit well with me. Or does it?
I post a lot on Facebook about myself and the boys and I wonder whether people think I’m a bit of a show off. I am a bit complex when it comes to analysing what kind of person I am, I guess most people are. People would look at me and most days think I’m quite extroverted, confident and outgoing because of my weird coloured hair and clothes, leopard print, Dr Marten boots, 18 ear piercings and my insistence on dressing like it’s 1997 (but not even everyone else’s 1997, it’s my version of 1997). People talk to me easily; I think I have some kind of approachable face or something or maybe it’s because I’m dressed like a clown. People think I’m confident. I’m not really any of those things… I’m a fraud!
Many years ago, when I worked a Bank of Ireland Mortgages I did this Myers Briggs test thing which analyses what kind of personality you are. It reliably informed me that I’m an introvert which surprised everyone in the group, none more than me. At the time, full of my pretend in my 20s confidence I thought it was nonsense. With the benefit of hindsight and age (way to make myself sound super old) I actually think it was spot on.
Lockdown went a long way to cement this introvert revelation for me. I loved it. I loved not being able to go anywhere and just be at home with my boys where it was safe. Don’t get me wrong, there were a lot of days where I felt like I was losing my mind and needed to get out where nobody was talking to me, no tiny hands touching me or tiny feet following me to the toilet but I think that is pretty normal. Isn’t it?? Ultimately though, I really enjoyed being locked down. I liked that isolation. Maybe I would have felt different if I didn’t have the boys to get on my nerves… all 3 of them. (For anyone who doesn’t know me, I have 2 boy children and a boy child husband.)
So, I think the original question was, am I a big showy show off because I post excessively on the Facebook and now I’m so full of myself I think people will want to read my blog? I’m not sure. Am I? I post about the boys so much for a few reasons:
My family is all over the country (and now world thanks to my brother ABANDONING ME for a lovely girl and beautiful New Zealand) and they like to keep up with what they are doing.
I am so proud of them. They are the best thing I’ve ever ever done and I love showing them off. (OMG I AM A SHOW OFF!)
It’s a bit like keeping a diary for me and for them when they grow up (they’re either going to love it or hate me).
They make me laugh and I like to share that with people to make them laugh too.
Also, I like the positive reinforcement (see previous post about being like a dog) that I get from people in terms of them thinking they’re funny too or commiserating with me over how their kids are just as annoying / weird / stinky / random.
As for the other stuff I post, I don’t know really. Maybe I am a bit “ooh look at me, the introvert who just wants attention”. Maybe I’m just totally over thinking it and it doesn’t really matter. I mean, if you really think about it, if nobody posted anything on Facebook or Instagram it would be totally pointless. We’d all just be sat around with lists of “friends” twiddling our thumbs. I think we all have different roles to play on social media and mine is the role of the ‘Excessive Poster’.
So, I’ve not really established whether a blog is a bit self indulgent when it doesn’t have a specific theme or not but there is every possibility that I’m over thinking it all anyway. I will write and you can read if you want to or not if you don’t want to. I’m easy like Sunday morning about it... (I’m really not, please read it and like it and shower me with love and praise!)
I love a good thank you so will end with thanking everyone for the feedback so far. I love that I made you laugh and some of you cry (you big drama queens) and even Mr D said he liked it so it can’t have been that bad because he is not afraid of giving a bit of honest feedback (“What the **** are you wearing?” being one of his favourites). Please feel free to tell me what you think to either publicly (if it’s nice) or privately (if it’s mean or you’re shy).
Time Steps Without Shuffles you are my blog and let’s see where we go together...